The Perrys Came To Visit!

Have I mentioned this year how grateful I am that CP married an Idahoan? Well, I am.

Lunch With The Perry's!

Have I ever mentioned how grateful I am that CP married an Idahoan? Well I am very grateful! Now for as long as we are on this cold, white earth I get to see CP and Britt when they come to Idaho for visits. (Remember my earlier post about the future NYE plans with Britt's family every year)

While the Perrys were in town CP treated us to lunch at the Snakebite...so delicious. And even better to catch up with some of my favorites. 

I also thought it was hilarious that CP needed a picture of the oil baroness in front of Berry Oil. I was happy to smile for the camera. Until next time...

Ringing In The New Year

I celebrated in style...first I attended my new yearly tradition, a delicious Mexican Fiesta hosted by BP's parents (who are practically my neighbors). Poor CP was very ill that night so BP and I had to eat most of the flan by ourselves (that flan was amazing). Already looking forward to NYE's at the Horman house next year!  After dinner I went home, started a load of laundry, changed into my pajamas (pictured below), took my meds (including a nice sleep aid), and rang in the new year having a very restful sleep, starting at 9:00 pm.  

Happy New Year to ME! 

Never Give Up On Your Goals

Last December I posted on my December goals.  I met six of my seven goals that month. I failed miserably at my first goal: clean my inbox to ZERO. Well I might be four months behind but today I met my goal!! Woohoo (according to Gmail). I hope this zero unread emails last at least an hour... 

Just remember: Slow and steady wins the race! 

PS: Fridays are great! 5.5 days left HP. Burritos tonight with the Perrys and the Shoes. A little extra sleep and an whole apartment to myself. :) 

Happy Easter Weekend!

Guest Blogger: JP's Response To CP's Post

I received the sweetest email from JP this week and as author and editor of my blog I shall post it below.  Let me also just add: CP and JP are gracious and hilarious friends, who clearly love me and I have the utmost respect for each of them.  (I did not however pay them to say such nice things...promise). 


Dear JB,

I would like to respond to Mr. CP's blog with your permission, he missed a few of the most important points.  JB, you are allowed to edit, cut, paste, and rewrite. 

Here it begins: 

Hello dear readers.  My name is Jennifer Peterson.  I would like to challenge Mr. Chris Perry to a duel of epic proportions.  Unfortunately Mr. Chris Perry is the land of milk and honey in California and I am in the cold wintry Massachusetts so this duel of epic proportions will have to be delayed until we meet each other again.  I suspect the meeting will be at a distant mutual friend's wedding that we are both crashing. I will be talking to an acquaintance that I have forgotten her name when I will notice Chris Perry staring at me across the room.  Chris will come over and ask me to introduce me to the person I am talking to.  I will glare at Chris and ignore his comment.  Yes, this will be awkward. Yes I will eventually have to admit that I do not remember the person's name.  At that point the duel will commence. Until that awkward moment, I challenge Chris Perry to a duel of words and rhetoric.

I will mention that Chris Perry is correct in advocating that Jess Berry is Better Than You, however Chris Perry is off target on the word choice "Seriously."   I propose the following word choice with supporting quotes. 

Jess Berry is Graciously Better Than You. 

Quote One:  "Well they are in good company then."  Jess, affectionately known as JB, will use this quote when one of her friends mentions that a person of prominence holds the same opinion as JB.  JB has a well defined sense of self confidence.  Using her self confidence she inspires you to find your own.  She encourages you to be the best you can be. 

Quote Two:  "Yankees are ..."  I usually don't understand the rest of these sentences as they go off into baseball land.  This quote however emphasizes how loyal Jess is to her team.  If you are lucky enough to be on her team, she will be loyal to you.

Quote Three:  She appreciates sweet potato fries.  Jess Berry appreciates the simple pleasures and the finer things of life like no one else.  She has great taste.  (see CP's cooking comments) She will make you feel welcome.  She reaches out to those who need it most.  

Supporting arguments (I could not expand on all, after all I'm in Graduate School now and have homework and such!) 

Red Checkered Vans proves she is a better shopper than you. 

Her moves to Party in the USA proves she is a better dancer than you. 

P90X proves she is a better ab ripper than you. 

Any questions/comments/concerns/rebuttals/suggestions - please email me. 

Yours,

JP

Guest Blogger: CP

***Blog owner comment...because I think CP is hilarious I did not edit one word. 

Jess Berry is Seriously Better Than You

Hi everyone. My name is Chris Perry, and I'll be your blogger for this post. Please put your seatbacks in a reclined position, and laugh at the dude behind you who is currently contorting his body to avoid the largesse of his seat companion, whose life you just made a tiny bit more miserable on this 1.5 hour flight o' getting-bumped-by-sir-chub-a-lub-every-thirty-seconds.

I'm honored to have this opportunity again. Rare is the occasion in which I can write a post and not spend the entire time in a state of panic, praying that the magical humor gods don't suddenly desert me. I don't even have to write about a subject! I can just blabber on here! And I'm not even going to have to face Google Analytics and its insistence on showing me only three people read this! Ahhhh, the bliss!

No, but seriously, there is a very serious subject I'd like to discuss today, and that is why Jess Berry is Seriously Better Than You.

Reason #1: Jess Berry is an Accountant.

I used to date an accountant,* and, let me tell you, they are awesome. She eventually dumped me (coughonmultipleoccasionscough), I think because she realized that I was dating her mostly because she was super hot, but also because I would never have to deal with a tax return AGAIN. Seriously, can you imagine the world of perpetual bliss? Smooching AND no taxes? Think about the worst thing you can imagine: like getting slapped in the face repeatedly by inebriated rabid porcupines while being waterboarded with rancid yogurt (no, I am not describing what it is like to smooch me, I am making a point on the misery of taxes), then multiply that by ten, and that is what doing taxes is like.

But Accountants LOVE that stuff!** They LOVE porcupines! They even love rancid yogurt!*** But they especially love doing things like trying to convince the IRS that I don't owe them any taxes for the year in which I lost thousands of dollars on the stock market.

If you'll excuse me for a moment, I need to cry bitter tears of anguish.

Okay. We're good.

Jess Berry is better than you because she is an Accountant.

Reason #2 Jess Berry Can Cook.

Don't let her insistence on calling some mild deviant of Sloppy Joes Sloppy Dans throw you off. She can cook a mean Sunday dinner, and boy, you had better appreciate that, or you have some explaining to do. I once was running late to a dinner she invited me to,**** and I spent the entire drive sweating bullets worried that she was going to call and harass me like she is known to do. And why does she make those phone calls? Because her food is worth it people. Worth. It.

Also worth it: her Sunday dinner stories. On further reflection, I'm pretty sure those might even eclipse her dinner. I have but three words: leopard-print speedo. Curious? Well, you can either come swimming with me sometime,***** or sit down by the fire with Jess Berry and listen to her regale you with Tales from Idaho.

Jess Berry is better than you because she can cook.

Reason #3 Jess Berry Can Golf

Now, only men who are the most secure in their masculinity are capable of even mentioning her golfing ability, because they would be then forced to admit that she can destroy them on any golf course with ease. As I am known to keep a flower in my car, this obviously applies to me.****** Golfing is probably the most masculine of sports, because you drive cars, sit around, and occasionally break a sweat when the temperature in the wilderness in which you constantly hit your ball becomes unbearable, and yet, Mz. Berry rocks the golf course, and even does it without spending the majority of her time diving into lakes, re-raking sand traps while attempting to coerce the sounds of various obscenities to be unrecognizable to the ears of more righteous companions, and suffering from severe bouts of anxiety as crowds of people line up behind you and curse under their breaths for the bad luck of getting stuck behind someone whose sole successful drive occurred at some point in the nineties, and this only by the grace of God.*******

Jess Berry is better than you because she can golf.

There are more reasons Jess Berry is Seriously Better Than You, but we're going to have to cap the list here because:

A) About three people will make it this far into the post

B) I should really be "working" right now, and

C) Do you honestly need more proof than that? I'd say my point is proven.

Q.E.D.

*Okay, she technically wasn’t an accountant when we were dating, but I ascribe to the old adage that accountants aren’t made, they are born.

**Except the smooching me part. See: Getting broken up with, Chris.

***I am just kidding. Nobody likes rancid yogurt. Or that freakishly-blue concoction also known as skim milk. And if they do, you should run as fast as you can and outfit yourself with a wooden stake or something because they are CRAZY. Oh, what's that you say? You like skim milk? Excuse me while I find that stake I stashed around here somewhere...

****She, being kind and loving, occasionally invites the local hermit out to interact with humans.

*****I kiiid, I kiiid. Even if I wore a speedo, you can bet I would never admit to that in this G-rated venue. Unless you like that sort of thi...I KID!

******Great thing about driving with flowers: you can continually claim it's evidence of your heightened masculinity, when it, in fact, is clearly not.

*******Incidentally, do you see how long that sentence is? It's a freaking monster. Now THAT'S a masculine sentence ladies. You'll overlook that sissy flower bit before, right? Right? And I realize I changed subjects/tenses/everything in there at least twice. It was intentional. How else can you get through a sentence that long? Seriously, who do you think I am? Wait, don't answer that.

A Must Read Author

CP* is the author of The Complete Guide To Everything.  A blog that will teach you anything, everything, and how to laugh.  If you don't find it hilarious then you are probably boring (there has to be a boring person or two in the world so if it you don't feel too badly).  

I give CP this shout-out for three reasons.

1. This is my way of persuading him to be a guest blogger soon (aka this week CP)!

2. I hope to reap some of the benefits when he's famous, after all I'm his unofficial PR rep. 

3. He's cool and I like cool people.    

*As of last week CP no longer wears glasses, read about it here. 

How To Make Your Weekend Last Through Wednesday

First, you play golf on the New Friday (the poor sap's Monday). Even if it is cold, windy, and rains a bit, you still enjoy it thoroughly...mostly because the competition for the round of golf is winner of the longest drive wins a date with the dark and handsome boy that works in the clubhouse Monday evenings. You, of course, have had a slight golf crush* on dark and handsome boy so the incentive for winning increases, even knowing that the prize is mostly a joke. Competition is always satisfying, especially when you win.

Second, you play squash on Tuesday. Squash is the 3rd best cardio workout, according to Forbes (not just me this time folks). You win 2 out of 3 games in squash, kindly** dominating your opponent. (my arms and legs are sore but no pain, no gain)

Third, you take a shopping trip to a golf warehouse. (This can be dangerous because hours can be spent here if you lack self control)

Fourth, you play Ultimate Frisbee on Wednesday. You remember you still know how to throw the frisbee, that you are so out of shape that it is despicable, and that playing without Kenji and CP really does adversely effect how much fun one has on the field (No yelling of "curse you Kenji" happened sadly).***

*A golf crush falls under the umbrella of the athletic crush (which will need to be its own blog post). Athletic crushes are more common (in my world) than romantic crushes, in fact, I dare say 90% of all my crushes are athletic crushes or if they turn (cough) romantic they stem from an athletic crush.

**Kindly in my vocabulary is I only trash talked for 50% of the playing and held back from dancing upon victory.

***Giving a shout out to CP is my way of pleading for forgiveness on another matter entirely.

Miss This Grouch

and I think he should come home...just saying.

Reasons To Heart This Wednesday

1. Two days until the Boring Berrys reunite

2. I received an email from CP with a signature line that says: I heart JB (yes I noticed CP)!

3. Mama Berry's rolls will be sweet aroma of my workplace this afternoon

4. Great year end review

5. Dreamed about the Yankees last night

6. It is Dec 15th, which means the Grinch in me takes a vacation until the 27th

7. Did I mention that I'm taking a two week vacation?

Happy Wednesday!

Guest Blogger CP: The Courtship Rituals of Single Mormons

***Editor's Note: CP is well worth the read. See his blog for more hilarious knowledge that should not be missed.

Good afternoon/evening/morning/post-apocalyptic ambiguous living period, oh readers of Ms. Jess Berry's blog. I'll be honest, I don't really understand the relationship between the "freakin' genius" and the golf tees sitting on top of this post, but I'm hoping you intelligent people will.

Also, I was going to title this post 'the mating rituals of single Mormons', but that sounds a little more risqué, and I don't really know who the audience is here. I sort of assume a lot of burly Idahoans, a-la Elder Christensen, a mission companion of mine who once claimed to have single-handedly killed a drunk bear with his bare teeth, then eaten said bear by the light of the full moon. Bones and all. So, you can see, I'm very invested in staying on your good side, oh Idahoans of ancient lore.

The readership here is, of course, vastly different from the readership of my own blog (the complete guide to everything), which is mainly paid friends, and various fake gmail accounts I run in order to make interesting comments*

That all being said, I should register that I am singularly (ha ha, get it?) qualified to speak on this subject, not because I am an amazing dater, but because we all know that you learn the most through failure. And given by the number of restraining orders currently out on me**, I'd say I'm pretty familiar with that.

Mormons begin the pursuit by going to church. That may sound odd (as church is slightly different from, say, a single's bar), but single Mormons outside of the Intermountain West are forced to huddle together in small congregations, desperately hoping that some beautiful single Mormon will move into the area from the Intermountain West. When one does move into the area, a pack of individuals, in appearance not too dissimilar from a plague of locusts, descends on the poor individual, and pester him or her until he or she moves away traumatized, or gets married (also traumatizing).

This doesn't always work, and so Mormons will pick up and go to singles conferences, not unlike the cougar conventions our older*** and more non-Mormon friends will throw. Cougar Convention in Palo Alto.

Singles conferences are generally a mish-mash of potatoes, forced spiritual experiences, talks about how all is not lost and stop being desperate, and speed dating.

Speed dating normally goes something like this:

Hi, my name is Bob!****
My name is Lisa!
Do you like the church?
Yes! Do you like bacon?
Yes! Do you like cheesy potatoes?
Yes! They are my fav.
Great, then, we should sit together afterwards and eat cheesy potatoes.
(Both scribble NO next to the other's name, while smiling)

Actually, conversations go nothing like that, because nobody would actually bring up bacon, lest the counterparty think you eat nothing but bacon, and thus have future potential for enlargement. The great thing about speed dating is you get to judge people on every tiny little word that comes out of their mouth. I once went speed dating, and it went like this:

Me: Hi! My name is Bob!
Them: My name is Jasmine!
Me: What a nice name! What do you like to do?
Them: Oh, I don't know, maybe watch T.V., like the Bachelorette, or movies or something.
Me (running): AAAAAAAEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAA

I was conveniently able to screen said individual based solely on the fact that her top thing she liked to do was watch T.V.*****

Anyways, after two single Mormons meet, they then get to go on dates, which is sort of like hanging out, except one person pays, and it's a lot more boring. And stressful. Not only do you have to be attractive, smart, witty, and funny, you also have to present a spiritual persona. This is harder for some of us than others. In fact, some of us are only capable of acting like a deeply sedated version of Captain Hook while on dates. This makes dates less fun. More interesting, but less fun.

And after six weeks of boring each other in person, you decide there's nobody else in the world for you. Not that you found your soul mate, but it's likely everyone else in the world would bore you even more. And minimizing boredom is the key to any successful relationship. Or blog post.

Good luck out there, my single friends. It's a jungle. And my married friends, even more luck. And my non-friends, well, I wish you a slightly less amount of luck than my friends, lest I not have enough to go around. The luck o' the 1/32-Irish only goes so far.

*Oh, Chris, you are soooo witty! I wish you would come date me--I'm a 5' 10" Brazilian model who loves to take long walks around duck ponds. The girls up in the states must just crowd around you, knowing that you are so very desired!******
**I am, of course, joking. No restraining orders, just a bunch of unreturned phone calls.
***Let's not lie. They're not that much older. And we throw cougar conventions as well, but they're called mid-singles conferences. The modifier 'mid', when placed before the word singles, means 'freaking old'.
****Obviously not a real name. Unless you are actually Bob R., the man who met, fell in love with, and proposed to my good friend Ms. Ranger in six weeks. Now that is a great example of the courtship rituals of single Mormons.
*****This is not far from a real-world experience.
******It's a well-documented fact that women (and men) are more interested in someone who is desired. There was an awkward moment in life when I realized I pretty much only liked girls who were dating someone, mainly because someone was dating them, but also because there was absolutely no chance of me actually having to go on a date with them (and spending another three hours trying to not slur pirate).