Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Guest Blogger CP: The Courtship Rituals of Single Mormons

***Editor's Note: CP is well worth the read. See his blog for more hilarious knowledge that should not be missed.

Good afternoon/evening/morning/post-apocalyptic ambiguous living period, oh readers of Ms. Jess Berry's blog. I'll be honest, I don't really understand the relationship between the "freakin' genius" and the golf tees sitting on top of this post, but I'm hoping you intelligent people will.

Also, I was going to title this post 'the mating rituals of single Mormons', but that sounds a little more risqué, and I don't really know who the audience is here. I sort of assume a lot of burly Idahoans, a-la Elder Christensen, a mission companion of mine who once claimed to have single-handedly killed a drunk bear with his bare teeth, then eaten said bear by the light of the full moon. Bones and all. So, you can see, I'm very invested in staying on your good side, oh Idahoans of ancient lore.

The readership here is, of course, vastly different from the readership of my own blog (the complete guide to everything), which is mainly paid friends, and various fake gmail accounts I run in order to make interesting comments*

That all being said, I should register that I am singularly (ha ha, get it?) qualified to speak on this subject, not because I am an amazing dater, but because we all know that you learn the most through failure. And given by the number of restraining orders currently out on me**, I'd say I'm pretty familiar with that.

Mormons begin the pursuit by going to church. That may sound odd (as church is slightly different from, say, a single's bar), but single Mormons outside of the Intermountain West are forced to huddle together in small congregations, desperately hoping that some beautiful single Mormon will move into the area from the Intermountain West. When one does move into the area, a pack of individuals, in appearance not too dissimilar from a plague of locusts, descends on the poor individual, and pester him or her until he or she moves away traumatized, or gets married (also traumatizing).

This doesn't always work, and so Mormons will pick up and go to singles conferences, not unlike the cougar conventions our older*** and more non-Mormon friends will throw. Cougar Convention in Palo Alto.

Singles conferences are generally a mish-mash of potatoes, forced spiritual experiences, talks about how all is not lost and stop being desperate, and speed dating.

Speed dating normally goes something like this:

Hi, my name is Bob!****
My name is Lisa!
Do you like the church?
Yes! Do you like bacon?
Yes! Do you like cheesy potatoes?
Yes! They are my fav.
Great, then, we should sit together afterwards and eat cheesy potatoes.
(Both scribble NO next to the other's name, while smiling)

Actually, conversations go nothing like that, because nobody would actually bring up bacon, lest the counterparty think you eat nothing but bacon, and thus have future potential for enlargement. The great thing about speed dating is you get to judge people on every tiny little word that comes out of their mouth. I once went speed dating, and it went like this:

Me: Hi! My name is Bob!
Them: My name is Jasmine!
Me: What a nice name! What do you like to do?
Them: Oh, I don't know, maybe watch T.V., like the Bachelorette, or movies or something.

I was conveniently able to screen said individual based solely on the fact that her top thing she liked to do was watch T.V.*****

Anyways, after two single Mormons meet, they then get to go on dates, which is sort of like hanging out, except one person pays, and it's a lot more boring. And stressful. Not only do you have to be attractive, smart, witty, and funny, you also have to present a spiritual persona. This is harder for some of us than others. In fact, some of us are only capable of acting like a deeply sedated version of Captain Hook while on dates. This makes dates less fun. More interesting, but less fun.

And after six weeks of boring each other in person, you decide there's nobody else in the world for you. Not that you found your soul mate, but it's likely everyone else in the world would bore you even more. And minimizing boredom is the key to any successful relationship. Or blog post.

Good luck out there, my single friends. It's a jungle. And my married friends, even more luck. And my non-friends, well, I wish you a slightly less amount of luck than my friends, lest I not have enough to go around. The luck o' the 1/32-Irish only goes so far.

*Oh, Chris, you are soooo witty! I wish you would come date me--I'm a 5' 10" Brazilian model who loves to take long walks around duck ponds. The girls up in the states must just crowd around you, knowing that you are so very desired!******
**I am, of course, joking. No restraining orders, just a bunch of unreturned phone calls.
***Let's not lie. They're not that much older. And we throw cougar conventions as well, but they're called mid-singles conferences. The modifier 'mid', when placed before the word singles, means 'freaking old'.
****Obviously not a real name. Unless you are actually Bob R., the man who met, fell in love with, and proposed to my good friend Ms. Ranger in six weeks. Now that is a great example of the courtship rituals of single Mormons.
*****This is not far from a real-world experience.
******It's a well-documented fact that women (and men) are more interested in someone who is desired. There was an awkward moment in life when I realized I pretty much only liked girls who were dating someone, mainly because someone was dating them, but also because there was absolutely no chance of me actually having to go on a date with them (and spending another three hours trying to not slur pirate).


drfindley said...


Sorry, I just had to let that out from my last date. They really don't seem to understand the need to speak in pirate.

Jess said...

hahahahaha....you'll find your pirate loving girl eventually.