Guest Blogger KT: Thoughts on Dating

KT wisdom:

In the last month or so I have finally been able to articulate my ideas of some of the key differences in the way men and women operate in dating.

Women
For me, and for many women I know, my interest in specific men is very responsive. Much of my interest is influenced by (a) who spends time with me and invests in getting to know me, as well as (b) who demonstrates attraction / interest in me. The fact is, I may see a man that attracts me significantly, but it is the man who is coming around, who is calling me, who is taking an interest in me specifically, that I am giving my attention to, and who I am considering. I may not have interest initially, but I warm to him as he makes himself a part of my world. In the end, my dealbreakers may surface and the relationship may end, but when a man invests in me and my life, I will almost always start looking at him as a possibility. And so, I would say that for women, the key question is, "Who is in my world?" That is her answer of who she is more likely to develop significant interest in. I do not say that is who she is more likely to date, but it's who SHE, the woman, is more likely to develop attachment to.


What I take from this
A man should not be surprised if the women he spends time with want to date him. Even if up front a woman does not show any interest in him, she will warm to him (how much, how seriously, varies, but she will warm). I know it's not risky for him to hang out with girls platonically, but it is definitely risky for the women. Also, after a breakup, he really does need to remove himself from his ex-girlfriend's world so that she can move on. For women, it means we have to be much more cautious about who we give our time to. We have to recognize that if we don't want to date a man, we really shouldn't give him the time of day. Or, if we decide to give him a chance, we need to recognize and accept that we may change our minds, which I think can be a good thing, too :) And women need to cut the cord with the men they break up with or know it's not going anywhere with. Keeping them in your world is not going to help you find someone else.

Men
Men, on the other hand, have an interesting phenomenon from the very beginning. After a certain amount of exposure (and it doesn't take much), they know definitively whether or not a woman is in their list of "eligible" women to date. And what I mean is, all women are either eligible or ineligible. Ineligible meaning that they are an unequivocable "NO" and that there is nothing that the woman (or the man, for that matter) can do to make her eligible. A woman who is not on the man's list of eligible women, can flirt, can encourage, can even have a brilliant connection with a man, but he will not consider her with serious interest. He may even date her or marry her, but usually he will drop her before she can wear him down to that point. He may even acknowledge to himself that this woman would be a great fit "on paper" - but she is not in the eligible group and so she will never really have a hold on him.

It is important to note that eligibility is not purely driven by appearance. In fact, men cannot really give a rationale for why one woman is and another isn't. They feel very awkward and don't know how to explain it, but they know that it is true. No amount of exposure or bonding with a woman can change her categorization - which women have a particularly hard time understanding, being that we are the complete opposite. Women cannot understand how a man, after getting to know us and being quite intimate with us, can still have absolutely no interest.

However, just because a woman is on the eligible list, it doesn't mean that she is a shoe-in. But it does mean that this is where she can act - with a very good chance of results. When a woman is eligible, it means that she is "datable" - she is someone to whom the man will be responsive, in the way that women are more generally responsive. If she flirts, encourages, banters, and pays attention to him, she is not wasting her time. He may not respond (for a variety of reasons), but she is not wasting her time like she is with a man for whom she is not eligible.

I have noticed that for a man, those (eligible) women who are encouraging and flirting and attentive seem to "rise in the queue" in his mind and interest - they are the ones that he is thinking about and focusing on. So it is key for a woman to be very responsive if she is interested. A woman may be eligible for a man, but if she isn't doing anything, he will end up paying his attention to someone else who is.

What I take from this
To me, this is really a relief - I at least feel like I know what I have control over and what I don't have control over. All I have to do is identify which men I am eligible for, and those are the ones I need to invest in and encourage. I find it very satisfying when I can tell I am of interest to a man (sometimes I have significant interest also, sometimes I don't, but it's always satisfying to know!) and I try to be more philsophical about the men whose list I am not on. I always assume I am not eligible for men who give me no signals. It can be somewhat discouraging if I'm not really feeling like I am on anyone's list, but I find it comforting that at least I am not wasting my time on them.

Also, what this means to me is that it is ridiculous for me to hang out a lot with a man hoping that he will come around and fall for me. If he hasn't already, then it's most likely I am not eligible and never will be. Basically, I am the one at risk because I will probably fall for him as he continues to be in my world - and yet I will never get any results.

So I'm interested to hear what you think - if this rings true to you. It makes sense with my experiences in dating and from what I've observed from my male friends.